Thoughts that have been on my heart...

“If I have to work in that district, I’ll shoot myself…” I say, a grin on my face, feeling that I’ve sufficiently communicated my distaste for a school district I really don’t want to teach in.

“Don’t say that right now…” she begs, turning to me with pained eyes. My stomach drops to my feet.

"Good job," I think to myself, as I stare at the stop sign in total silence. I didn’t think… I just spoke, without even thinking about the fact that, just a week before, a friend of hers did just that, ending his own life.

I apologize lamely. “Sorry… I didn’t think…”

And she says it’s OK. But I know it’s not… And I won’t ask her to pretend it is. I didn’t know her friend, but she did, and that’s enough for me. He meant something to my friend, and I mourn him because she mourns him.

How many other friends mourn their friends today, because they could no longer bear the thoughts of what might happen tomorrow?

As Taking Back Sunday changes to Midtown on my iPod, I lean back in the seat of the car and think about everything, a rush of thoughts going through my head. I am thankful that no one I know personally has ever ended his or her own life, but I know so many people who have suffered loss in that way… Suicide has touched my family, if not me directly. Friends and loved ones of my friends and loved ones… And so many of my friends and loved ones have been close to that decision themselves, but through some strength they didn’t know they possessed, they came back, they made it. This heartbreaking choice has knocked on the door of my life through heartbroken and despairing friends, but, thank God, it has not yet entered.

Unfortunately, many people have not been so fortunate. Many people have not made it back from the edge, and many friends and family members are left behind, confused, not understanding why this happened. Statistics say that every 40 seconds, someone dies at his or her own hand… Every 40 seconds. That means, in the length of a good song, 5 people die. Close to a million people a year all over the world. That’s over double the number of breast cancer deaths in the world.

In our world, as I recently learned from To Write Love On Her Arms, a non-profit that raises awareness for suicide prevention, and fighting addictions, suicide and depression are things that we don’t talk about. We are afraid of them, as if keeping them under wraps means that they don’t exist… It’s a head in the sand reaction. But putting your head in the sand doesn’t solve anything, except your own desire to not face something head on.

So what do we do? How do we stop it? We can’t if we keep hiding our heads in the sand. Stand up, be strong, fight. Get the word out. This is what our friends and family are dealing with, and it will never stop as long as they are afraid to speak up. Suicide can almost always be prevented. But for it to be prevented, people need to know that it’s OK to talk about it. It’s OK to say, “I don’t want to live anymore.” It’s OK to ask for help. So, what is our role?

For me, it’s sharing the stories of those loved ones who made it. Sharing my own story that, while not on the verge of suicide, I went through struggles… I went to counseling to get help. I know my pain is not the same as everyone else’s. But I know that there is help for pain. There is hope beyond this world. I pray that one day, we will live in a world where people who think there’s nothing left will learn that there is something more. There is hope and help, and life does get better. You may not see it now… But always remember, “There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Bittersweet...

Some things that I'm learning/Some things that are happening/My life... :)

• Last day of student teaching... Wow! This semester has really flown by, and I can't believe I'm already done. I am going to miss my students so much... They drive me crazy sometimes, but I love each and every one of them... Believe it or not. :)
• I don't know what I'm doing with the rest of my life, but I'm ready to find out.
• God is always teaching me new things and showing me that I don't know a lot... But I can trust him always.
• Ten Inch Hero is an adorable movie.
• When in doubt, salt and burn.
• Never forget the people you meet on your way through life. They may not be there for long, but there is something to be learned from each one... I've lost one of my dearest friends, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am a different person today because of what that person taught me about myself and about life in general.
• To quote Gary Allan, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
• I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and I love that they are in my life.
• If you really and truly love someone, nothing they do will change that... Love is unconditional, and you must never ever give up on someone you love. You may give up on them doing what you want them to do, but you must never give up on them as people. They may not always be a part of your life, but they will always be in your heart.
• That said, I don't know what else to say... For now... :)

Everything's changed... Again! lol.

Life is always changing... Becoming something new and different than what it used to be.

Around 3 1/2 years ago, I walked onto the campus of USC-Upstate knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to meet a great guy, get married, have a family, and teach in my hometown of York, SC. I couldn't wait to have my own classroom and teach students Spanish.

And then one day, I found myself on an airplane with several friend headed to Central Asia. God was so good to provide a way for me to get there, and I literally couldn't believe His kindness to me. But still... That was going to be a one-time thing. One missions trip. And I'd be back in SC where I "belonged."

But there was a problem.

I fell in love.

Not with one person, but with a group of people, a group of languages, a culture so different from my own.

And I began to realize, though I fought it, that God had more in mind for me than 75 high school students a day. I wanted to stay and be a South Carolina girl... Carolina Born and Bred, buried under Carolina soil on the day I died... Everything.

But through His work in my life, I've become more and more dissatisfied with the idea of that life. I don't want to settle for less than everything God has called me to. I can't. I won't. I never want to.

So here I am, wanting to do more with my life than I could possibly have years for. And wondering what God's gonna use it for first.

Strange that I write this from my classroom, where I thought I'd be so happy... Where I thought I'd find my calling... And maybe, in a way, I did... I found that, though I love my students and wish them the best, this is not the place for me. My calling is leading me elsewhere. And that's OK.

So in closing, I leave you with a line from a song that's been on my heart a lot lately as I've struggled through some painful things, including the realization that my pretty little life plan isn't what God had in mind:

You stay the same through the ages.
Your love never changes.
There may be pain in the night,
But joy comes in the morning.

And when the oceans rage,
I don't have to be afraid,
Because I know that You love me
And Your love never fails.

The wind is strong and the water's deep,
But I'm not alone here in these open seas,
Cuz Your love never fails.

The chasm was far too wide.
I never thought I'd reach the other side.
But Your love never fails.

A prayer...

Before I type this out, let me just say this prayer was originally meant to be just between me and God, but I felt somehow that someone else might benefit from it, and felt that I should post it here for you guys... If there are any people who read this. :)

Look among the nations and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told. ~ Habakkuk 1:5

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." ~ Isaiah 6:8

Father,

I hear you calling... "Send me," I prayed, but shied away when You called. I am fearful, and in my fear have been disobedient...

Now, I come asking you to take my disbelief from me... Show me how to love more... how to trust more... how to give more of me, knowing You've given all of You.

Lord, I know You want to use me. Help me to take steps of faith to follow and obey You. You don't just hand us things. You call us to step out... to practice faith so we can do Your will.

So, let me be afraid, but step out anyway, letting the fear of You be stronger than the fear of the world, of money, of life being different.

I love you, Lord!

In Jesus' name,
Amen