Are you ready?

So, lately, I've been feeling God shaking me out of my complacency again, which is both wonderful and extremely painful. Like, it's really amazing when you see God's plans becoming more clear in your life, but it's painful when those plans are way different than your plans. Which, for me, is a pretty common occurance.

But as it stands... I sold my soul to the state for 4 years after I graduate so that I'd have my education paid for... And either, I can teach for 4 years here, or I can pay all the money back that they've given me thus far. I had never planned on living or teaching outside of SC. Like, never. But I'm really beginning to think that God's plan is for me to move out west for a year or two... Which would be incredibly cool, I think, but it makes me really nervous. I've never had to live somewhere where one of my parents couldn't be where I was in less than an hour. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I mean, granted, I'm old enough not to need that, but I'm still not sure.

Other than that are my plans for life in general. I was looking forward to a life as a wife and mother, and a Spanish teacher. I was hoping to be able to begin all of these parts of my life within a few years of each other. But with the ministry and call that I feel God has for me, I think maybe I should wait on the wife and mother part. If I even ever have them at all. And for the first time, I'm beginning to think that might be OK. I mean, yeah... I'm a girl. I want a gorgeous wedding, and gorgeous kids, and a wonderful little white picket fence life. But I believe God has called us to live bigger than just the picket fence world. His heart is for a hurting and broken world, and He loves those who don't know Him. He wants to bring them to Himself. And if He wants me to be a part of that as a single woman, then so be it. I'm ready. I want to take it on, if that's the plan. And if He sees fit to give me a family, then great. I'm ready for that, too... I'd love to be a mom and wife. I really would. But I'm not demanding it. Just waiting and humbly asking God to do what's best.

This leads to a lot of questioning in my heart. But also a great knowledge that God knows what He's doing, and loves me far too much to screw up my life.

It's so easy to say those things, sometimes, though, but to backtrack on them when it gets hard... I'm only praying now that God will show me how to let go... to hold on to my plans, hopes, dreams, aspirations, and possessions with an open hand, so that when and if He wants to take them, He can.

It's going to be hard, and I'm not gonna lie... I'm scared to death... But I'm ready.


Desperation Band - Ready Now

You come like You promised You would
I want to surrender for good
I know that I need you
And I dont want to keep living life alone.

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will

I feel like a blind man in you sight
I know that I'm wicked in Your eyes
So wash me and make me shine like Your Son
I want to tell everyone
That You're the only one

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will

I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will

I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what You will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now